One Light
by FairDrea
Summary: She was his to protect. She always had been. He'd always wanted…but had never thought he could have. Why not? Raph/April holiday angsty fluff. Yes, there is such a thing.


She was his to protect. She always had been. He'd always wanted…but had never thought he could have. Why not? Raph/April holiday angsty fluff. Yes, there is such a thing.

**Disclaimer:** (Originally posted under my other pen name Cindy Silverwhip ) I do not own TMNT and make no profit from the writing of this fic

**One Light**

"I just can't do it anymore."

Raph glanced up at his long time friend, the bottle of beer he'd been lifting pausing in mid-air. "Case, you're just stressed, man."

The dark haired vigilante shook his head. His eyes looked tired, beaten. He didn't hold himself with the careless pride he usually did. "Nah, it's not just stress, Raph."

They were sitting on a rooftop, casually observing the busy city below. Even though it was close the 9 o'clock at night, the streets were considerably busy, people cramming in last minute Christmas shopping, rushing about the streets where those driving were quick to stop, feeling the kindness of the holiday season.

Raph pulled his battered winter coat closer around him, trying in vain to stave off the bitter chill of the late December wind. "So, what is it then?"

"Everything," Casey muttered. He drug a hand over his face with a weary sigh. "I can't keep goin' home to a girlfriend that doesn't want me there."

"She wants you there," Raph tried to reassure him, though the words felt wrong.

"No, she doesn't. And you know she doesn't. Ever since," Casey's breath hitched. "Ever since she lost the baby, she's different. She doesn't sleep, she doesn't eat nearly enough. The only time she ever talks to me is when she's yellin' at me." He downed the rest of his beer and tossed the bottle into the windy night. "I've been tryin', Raph. Tryin' to be there. Tryin' to understand. But I can't…I can't help her if she won't let me."

Raphael felt a bitterness rise up in him, a biting resentment towards his friend for not having the patience. "She's hurtin' worse than any of us can understand, Casey. Just…give her time."

"Time to what?" Casey's cold gaze narrowed in on him. "It's been four months, Raph." He shook his head, leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees. "I've been thinkin' a lot lately. Thinkin' about leavin'. This city ain't full of anything but bad memories. April was the only thing I had goin' for me and now…now I don't even have that anymore."

"You're not bein' very fair to her," Raph spat, no longer holding back. They'd all been watching their friend suffer, wishing they could do more for her. But all they could do was sit back and watch as she had wasted away. The exuberance that had fueled her when she found out about the baby she was carrying had vanished with frightening swiftness the day she had lost it. It had been unexpected and the only thing more heartbreaking than the loss of a life they were never able to know was the endless sorrow that had mercilessly swallowed April. Her cries from that awful night sometimes haunted him when he had problems sleeping. "This is harder for her than any of us."

"Hey, she's not the only one who lost a kid."

Raph shifted off the ledge, walking away from someone he thought he had known. Looking at him now…he couldn't see that person anymore. Just like he couldn't see the person April used to be.

"Where you goin'?" Casey shouted, making a move to follow him.

"Somewhere _you_ aren't."

"Hey, what's with the attitude?" Casey jogged to him, catching his arm.

Raph jerked away and whipped around to face him, not hiding his irritation. "She didn't lose a _kid_, Casey. She lost her baby. If you can't understand that…if you can't give her the time to get over that…you're loss. Thought you were more of a man than that."

He half expected Casey to hit him for that comment. He expected an outburst of fury in the least. What he got was entirely different. There was no fight in his eyes, no trace of anger. There was only defeat. He took a step back, nodding slightly. "Well, I'm not. I can't be wants me to be. And I can't…I can't take this thing she's turned into."

"She's still April," Raph muttered, defending her.

A sad smile flashed over the man's face. "Maybe to you she is. The April she was to me though…she's gone. Listen," he looked over the city, the wind catching his hair and ruffling it. "I've got family in Oregon. Family I ain't seen in a while. There's jobs there for someone like me. I can put the hockey mask away and live for myself for once. I'm sorry if selfish but…Raph, this city is killin' me."

"Walk away then," Raph ground out. His head was pounding from the fury lashing relentlessly inside of him. "Leave it all behind. She's too good for you anyway."

Casey watched him for a while, then swallowed hard and nodded. "One day, Raph. One day you're gonna thank me for this." He shoved his hands in his coat pockets and turned, walking away from the only friend he'd known for the past several years.

Raph stood for a long time, his limbs numb. Only a shred of him felt the loss of Casey Jones. Everything else mourned for April. Him, Raph…he mourned. Only for her though. Always for her. She didn't deserve any of this. She was already hurting so much, hurting in a place that none of them could reach. Now Casey…

Muttering a hoarse oath, he turned on his heel and started for April's apartment. The wind picked up, brusquely accompanying him as he made his way down a nearby fire-escape. His heart wasn't in leaping over rooftops.

He trudged through the alleys, his heart heavy. Laughter, light-hearted caroling and the distant _ring-ring-ring_ of the Salvation Army bells drifted in and out of his consciousness, offering him no comfort. Before he wanted, he was standing in the alley beside April's apartment. He lifted his gaze slowly. Only one light was on.

He moved mechanically, his arms lifting, hands grasping the rung of the ladder always left down for them. Very slowly, dread pulling at his every move, he made his way up to the fire escape outside of her living room window. There he paused. Emotion welled in his throat as he peered through the window.

April sat on her couch, a blanket wrapped around her. Her hair was pulled away from her face, the usual stubborn strands curling delicately around her face. A face far too pale. She was staring at the tree they'd put up and decorated for her. She hadn't wanted it up. Hadn't wanted the bright, cheerful reminder of the holiday glaring at her from its customary spot beside the fireplace. She held something in the hands lying listlessly in her lap. Tears glistened on her cheeks. He wondered very briefly if she would ever stop crying. If those tears that tore at the darkest parts of his soul would relent.

Hesitantly, he stepped forward and rapped his knuckles gently against the window pane. She didn't move. She never did. He pushed the window open and slid in, welcoming the burst of warmth that wrapped around him.

"Hey, April," he greeted.

She looked up then. Her hands closed around the object she was holding, pulling it closer to her body. "Hey," she said, her voice devoid of…anything. "What are you doing here?"

"Just stopped in to say hi." He shrugged. "Didn't have a lot goin' on. Haven't seen ya in a while."

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "You've been out with Casey."

It wasn't a question. He sighed and moved to the couch, unzipping his coat before sinking down beside her and leaning back. "Yeah…I was."

Silence fell around them, not uncomfortable, but not natural. The hiss and crackle of the fire filled the room with a false sense of calm.

"He's not coming back…is he?" she asked softly.

He turned his head to the side, looking at her. Did she really want to know? Did she even care? "No," he stated simply. There was no point in making this situation something it wasn't. It was raw, it was painful, there was nothing he could say that would take the sting away. "I'm sorry, Ape."

She sniffled and a sad smile faintly curved her full lips. "Why? It would have happened sooner or later. I don't blame him," she added, her voice nothing more than a whisper.

"Why not?" Raph was suddenly angry again, hating the injustice, hating his once-friend for abandoning April. _He_ would never abandon her…_never._ "I do. The guy couldn't take the pressure so he turned tail and ran like a coward."

"I don't blame him for that, though. I can't. Look at me, Raph." Her haunted gaze caught and held his, the green so much more dull than it used to be. "I'm…I'm not even here. Everything moves around me. The world keeps turning. Days come and go and I just…sit here. I sit here and I hurt."

He shifted to face her, taking one of her hands in his, not noticing the ceramic item that fell to her lap. "It's okay for you to hurt, though. You've got the right to. Casey…he doesn't get that. He thinks you should be movin' on."

"And you don't?" she asked softly.

"No. April…I might be a guy but…but I know this isn't the kind of pain someone gets over. I don't expect you to pick up and move on. I'm not gonna put a time limit on how long you should feel this way. No one should."

Her shoulders started to tremble. Tears fell faster. "I want it to stop hurting, though," she whimpered. "I feel like I'm dying inside. And I can't stop it. Raph….I just want to be happy again. I want my baby."

He pulled her into his arms, shushing her gently. Her grief washed over him. It wasn't just an emotion. It was a living thing that hung oppressively all around, uncaring of the victims it carried along in its wake.

Not thinking of anything but comforting her, Raph pulled April into his lap, cradling her against his chest. He said nothing, offered no words, but gave her all of his strength, holding her tightly and letting her cry.

The minutes ticked by. Neither cared that they did. An hour passed – maybe more - and all was silence once again, save for the fire still blazing. The tears had stopped, but April made no move to free herself from Raph's embrace.

He felt her hands moving and looked down, seeing for the first time the simple ceramic ornament. It was a sleeping lamb on a soft bed of hay. The oval base had one phrase scrawled in pretty letters over the surface. Baby's first Christmas.

"I know you're supposed to get these when a child is born but…I couldn't help myself," she murmured softly. She held it up, her eyes moving lovingly over the piece. "Silly…buying an ornament without thinking-."

"No," he interrupted. "It's not."

April sat up, setting the ornament carefully on the table. Then she faced him. For once, those eyes weren't haunted. "You've never thought anything I did was ridiculous."

He shook his head, indulging in a small smile. "Nope."

"You've always been there for me." She said the words with a sense of awe, as if she were realizing something for the first time. "No matter how ridiculous I'm being, no matter how much I cry or act crazy. You've always been there."

"Well yeah," Raph muttered, somewhat uncomfortable under her scrutinizing gaze. "You're my friend, April. Why wouldn't I be."

She shook her head. The strands framing her face whispered over her cheeks and his fingers itched to brush them away from her face, to tuck them behind her ears.

"Why didn't I see it?"

"See what…Ape, what are you talkin' about?"

A smile, the first one he'd seen in months, lit up her face, brought the vivaciousness back into her eyes. She lifted a hand, placing it against his cheek and he went impossibly still. He stopped breathing. The ache of longing that had settled within him when they'd first met, something he'd been able to repress so well, overwhelmed him.

"See this," she whispered. She closed the distance between them. Her soft, full lips brushed against his mouth, a shy caress that left him feeling weak. He almost gave in to the need to be held by her, to the emotions he'd closed away for the beautiful woman in his lap. Almost.

He placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled away. The part of him that had wanted this so badly for so, so very long screamed at him – it thrashed and kicked, fighting for the chance she was giving him. But he couldn't. He didn't know why…he just couldn't. "April…we can't do this."

"Why not?" she murmured. Disappointment was etched into her features, but she didn't fight him.

"Casey just left. You guys…you were together a long time. This…it doesn't feel right."

Gone was the sparkle from her eyes. He'd stolen it after only a brief glance. He hated himself at that moment more than he could possibly hate Casey or whatever cruel fate had taken April's child from her.

"It does feel right," she said, her tone firm. She slid off his lap. "At least it did for me."

She pulled away from him and into herself, moving to the opposite side of the couch. She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them.

He wanted to say something. He didn't know what he could say though. Defeated, sadness slipping around him, he stood and started for the window. Every move he made felt wrong. He had to fight to zip up his jacket. At the window, he stopped. He pressed his hand to the frosty pane, staring out into the darkness but seeing nothing.

Why couldn't he be with her? He'd loved her longer than he cared to admit. His heart had been hers from the moment he'd lifted her in his arms and carried her back to the safety of their home. She was his to protect. She always had been. He'd suffered through every moment she and Casey had shared that he'd been around to witness. He'd always wanted…but had never thought he could have. Why not? Why would he let anything stop him from being with her? He never let anything stop him when it came to fighting for this city, to fighting for his family. Why now?

His fingers curled slightly, leaving cold wet paths in the frost. He deserved his chance. Everything inside of him that had been screaming for him not to leave her, not to let her go, cheered him on as he whipped around. "April."

She turned slowly. Her eyes went wide. Then she was moving, pushing off the couch, crossing the floor to him. Her smile was blinding - the tears she cried now tears of happiness. With a tiny cry, she went into his arms. When her lips met his this time there was no timidity. She kissed him boldly, passionately, clinging to him.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her, his heart hammering, filled with the love he'd denied himself for so long, a happiness he'd always been deprived of. "I love you, April," he finally admitted. "I have since the day I met you."

She looked up at him, her eyes bright even in the darkness. "I love you too. I wish I would have figured it out earlier."

He shrugged, feigned indifference. "Eh, you're figurin' it out now." He lifted a hand, brushing her hair out of her face, tracing his fingers over her jaw. "That's all that matters."

She laughed softly. Then her face was serious, all trace of humor gone. "Thank you, Raphael. For always being there, for never letting me down. I'll make it up to you."

"You don't have to do that."

"I do," she argued. "Even if it takes the rest of my life."

His breath caught. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. "You sure you wanna do that? You know I ain't got nothin' to offer you, April."

"That's not true." Her hand slid down his chest, settling where his heart was beating. "You have the biggest heart, endless passion, more honor than you give yourself credit for. I don't need anything more than that."

He couldn't talk past the lump lodged in his throat. All he could do was nod and give into the need to kiss her once again, to feel her love wash over him.

"Stay with me tonight," she whispered, pulling away.

"I'll stay with ya more than just tonight," he vowed.

She gave him a tremulous smile. "Forever?"

He nodded. Forever.

_One year later, Christmas Morning_

Raphael woke to the smell of coffee and pancakes, smiling before he even opened his eyes. Her scent still lingered on the pillows, her warmth in the thick blankets. It was something he never tired of, something he never took for granted. Sitting up, he stretched and yawned, his eyes squinting slightly against the brightness of the early morning sun.

He made his way out of their room. Their room – the thought could still had the power to floor him. He and April had been living together for a year now. It was a year he never thought he could have – one he cherished.

April was in the kitchen, wrapped in a thick, red robe, her hair hanging loose around her flushed cheeks. A steaming mug of coffee sat on the counter beside her. Bacon sizzled in the frying pan and a stack of pancakes graced the counter beside the stove.

"Mornin'" he murmured, wrapping his arms around her and nuzzling her neck.

April smiled, her eyes drifting shut, her head dropping back to rest on his shoulder. "Morning, hun. Sleep well?"

"Always do when I'm sleepin' next to you."

"Everyone's coming over for dinner, right? I don't know if you talked to Leo yesterday or not."

"Yeah, I did. They'll all be over around 4." He reached for the coffee, noticing the folded slip of paper lying on the counter in front of her. "What's that?"

"Early Christmas present." She picked it up, unfolded it. "I found it in my stocking this morning. I'm pretty sure it was left in there last year but I didn't notice before I put the Christmas decorations away." She handed it to him. "It's for you."

"For me?" He gave her a questioning look but took it. The minute he saw the hand writing, he felt his heart trip.

_Raph,_

_Hey bud. I'm guessin' that if you're readin' this, you finally figured it out and that you're right where you should be – with April. You might be mad at me for leavin' her, for givin' up and throwin' in the towel. But I didn't do it for me. I did it for you._

_I've always known you had a thing for her. I might be thick-headed most of the time, but even I could see the way you'd look at her. You're my best friend, man. You can't get anything past me. I know you too well. You loved her before I did. What kind of friend would I be if I ignored that?_

_You've been the best friend a guy could ask for. You deserve this Raph. One day…you'll thank me. You can be more to April than I ever could anyway. And I know…I know she loves you too. You two are the only ones who don't realize how ridiculously bad you have it for each other. _

_Love her like crazy. It's the only way she deserves to be loved. All or nothin'. You're good at that. I'll miss you. I love you both. _

_Casey Jones_

He had to read the letter over twice more. Shock didn't seem to do what he was feeling justice. "I…I can't believe he did this."

He looked up at April. Her eyes glistened with tears, but she did not cry them. She smiled sadly and nodded. "I didn't even know the guy had it in him." She looked down at the letter. "Guess he was a bigger man than we gave him credit for."

"Yeah." Raph suddenly missed his friends with ferocity, was beyond grateful to have known him. He wished that he was here now so he could thank him for giving him the gift of a woman he loved more and more with each passing day.

April took the letter and set it on the counter. She cradled his face in her hands. "You love me like crazy?" she asked.

"Ya even have to ask?" he muttered with a lop-sided grin. It slid off his face moments later as his gaze dropped to Casey's letter. "I miss him."

"I know you do. Maybe….maybe we name her after him?"

Raph nodded, his hand dropping to the generous swell of April's stomach. "I think that'd be a great idea."

April nuzzled his nose gently with hers, then went up on her tip toes and pressed her lips to his. "Merry Christmas, Raphael. I love you."

He wrapped his arms around her. "Love you too, babe. Merry Christmas."

A/N: Even though she has no idea that I write fanfiction – I would like to dedicate this special piece to my mom, and every mother out there. Losing a child does not take that title away from you. Whether alive or passed on – the love you have for a child never wavers.


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